Long-distance Dad?

In life we make choices (if we are lucky enough to be able to do so). I choose to work near my home. I do so because I want to be able to come home and see my family at the end of each day (and sometimes the start too). With my current home and job I can even come home for lunch sometimes.

Not everybody makes this choice. I have a colleague who chooses to work hundreds of miles from his home because he can earn a higher rate of pay (as a contractor). The down side is that his 3 year old son cries his heart out on Sunday when his father has to leave and continues to cry "for hours" after he has left. His son even panics when his father goes to the shop, for fear he will not come back.

So why does he do this to his son? He does it because he wants to get a private education for him. He figures that the lack of his father in his current day-to-day life will be compensated for by the benefit of a private education later.

Is he right?

I don't know with certainty, but clearly my strong instinct, backed up by some reading of research literature, is that the better choice is to give my kids the gift of time now rather than spend more on their education later. Certainly I have lots of anecdotal evidence, even from within my own company, that fathers who choose to work away from their families when their children are young, often later regret this decision.

Perhaps a hidden downside of being away from your kids is that you lose touch with the realities of who they are and where they are in their development. I heard my contractor colleague say that his daughter, who is one year old, wouldn't care whether he is there or not. My own experience would suggest that this is unlikely to be true. I suspect he might be underestimating his daughter's ability to have her own preferences, including that of deciding who is most important to her. Perhaps he would see that more if he was at home more often.

I'm not saying that as a criticism, just my opnion and not a firm one at that. I'm genuinely interested to know how important other parents think it is to see their kids through the week on a daily (or near daily) basis.

BBC NEWS | World | Americas | US boy takes car in school dash

BBC NEWS | World | Americas | US boy takes car in school dash

I know it's terrible that he was allowed to do this, but you have to take your hat off to him, if only for his burning desire to get to school!

BBC NEWS | Education | Bad parents 'widen ability gap'

BBC NEWS | Education | Bad parents 'widen ability gap'

The flip side

I posted today about Oliver's tantrums. But it's unfair to just paint that side of the picture. It's also true that, like the rhyme, "when he is good he is very, very good...". He can be very affectionate, well-behaved, considerate and polite in general. And he is a perfect big brother to Lucy.

The other night, some time after he had gone to bed, Lucy woke in the next room crying. The monitor is in Oliver's room (as Lucy is still in ours) and we heard him say "It's alright Lucy, we'll get you sorted".

Then again today, not an hour after the most horrendous tantrum, he repeatedly kept interrupting the book he was reading to get down and pick up the toy that Lucy kept dropping. And prior to the tantrum he had been as good as gold this morning.

We both love him to bits, no matter how frustrating and exhausting his behaviour is right now. The only reason we are putting him (and ourselves) through this "tough love" is to lay the foundations for lots more happy days to come in the future.

Nessun dorma

Nessun dorma. None shall sleep. I should play it as my children's lullaby.

Oliver has never been a good sleeper. He goes to bed perfectly, but after 2-3 hours the problems will start. It's not that he wakes crying for Mummy or Daddy or has bad dreams - that I could cope with. He suddenly shouts and screams and kicks his quilt until I appear, then he is fine and goes back to sleep. Realising that he really is fine, every single time this happens, I have now switched to ignoring the tell-tale screeches and then checking there is nothing truly wrong once he has gone back to sleep himself, which he does quite easily. It's too early to tell whether this is really working, but after a few days the signs are encouraging.

Then there is Lucy. She was sleeping so well. But recently she has become more wakeful in the night, needing Hayley to turn her over or re-assure her. While she was poorly with a cold we were happy to do this, but now that she is well and she simply wants us to get her back to sleep we have decided that we need to use controlled crying. Learning to get herself back to sleep is a skill she needs to acquire.

Last night was a first and a worst. She woke at 11.10pm, just as we were going to bed. (I wanted to go to bed at 9.30 but we got sucked into some eBaying for fancy dress outfits - don't ask!) Lucy started to cry. She wouldn't settle. As this was unlike her, we gave her calpol and applied some bonjela in case she was teething. No improvement. We noticed she had no temperature and that as soon as the light came on and we picked her up she was all smiles and wide awake. So we tried the controlled crying, leaving her for an extra minute each time we settled her. By the time all this had gone on she finally fell properly asleep at 1am.

I have to say I feel a little guilty about using the controlled crying when she seems wide awake. I know some people get up with their offspring and entertain them until they fall asleep. Or take them out in the car until they nod off. But as Oliver and (until last night) Lucy have never shown signs of being truly nocturnal, the whole scenario has been alien to me. And the words of the health visitor who told us that babies need to learn to get themsleves to sleep unaided are still imprinted on my brain. So today I'm still in the camp that says she needs to learn to sleep at night, one way or another, and as soon as possible, given that she is well past the 6 months mark. But what if the controlled crying fails us this time?

When I got up at 6.50 this morning I asked Hayley if she still wanted to let me have a lie-in as she'd insisted the night before. She was less insistent and looked exhausted, bless her. I got up.

I am already looking forward to both kids going to bed by 7.30pm, so I can hit the sack myself around 7.31.... with Pavarotti echoing round my brain.

Truly terrible twos

Oliver is having some real tantrums recently.

It usually starts with whinging and crying for something that he wants but can't have and in most cases ignoring this will cause him to realise it is getting him nowhere and he stops. But occasionally he will progress to worse behaviour, persistently being disobedient (sometimes with possibly dangerous repercussions), shouting at people or even hitting them, at which point he goes into time-out.

In the past being put into time-out - which at home involves sitting on the bottom step of the stairs - was enough to make him change his behaviour, but recently his tantrums have just become worse at this point. He can become hysterical, screaming, shouting and physically fighting to get away. The tantrums are so bad that he can't just be put into time-out by himself because he sometimes throws himself around on the floor and could hurt himself.

It is truly a horrible experience for parent and child alike. We remain calm and tell him why he has to have time out and calm down, but it can take several long minutes to pacify him. The parenting gurus tell you not to talk to them in time out, but it is impossible to just sit there in silence the whole time when he is in such a state.

This week has seen him have one very bad day, then a very good day, then again today he has had a really bad tantrum and had to be brought home from a play-date because he hit his friend and shouted at his friend's Mum.

We wondered whether TV is a contributory factor, so in the last 3 days he has been TV-free apart from half an hour of The Wiggles yesterday afternoon. We have also started to put him to bed a bit earlier as his tiredness seemed to be contributing. Then there is nursery: could that be a factor? He seems to like it there, but who knows what behaviour he is picking up.

So in truth we don't know for sure what is at the bottom of it. All we can do is try to be patient, persistent and consistent in our approach and then hope that in time we will see improvements.

BBC NEWS | England | Devon | Toddler fight family spared jail

BBC NEWS | England | Devon | Toddler fight family spared jail

"Michelle Elliott, director of children's charity Kidscape, said: 'Quite frankly if there was an offence that deserved even 12 months in prison this was it."

"What they've done is send a message that this isn't a very serious thing and they've walked free. I think most people are outraged by that."

You can say that again!

What sort of sick, retarded individuals would do this to animals, let alone children, let alone their own children!