Meet the midwife.

Today we had our first meeting with the midwife. I'd been a little concerned that I'd be seen as intruding into an all-female world by attending this meeting but I was pleased to be welcomed in when I checked it was OK to sit in.

Our first impressions of the midwife are good. She seems quite warm and relaxed. We were bombarded with information and Hayley was given a large amount of reading material. Of course I'll be reading it too but at the end of the day it was given to Hayley first and foremost. In fact in some ways I did occasionally feel a bit of an outsider during the interview. Perhaps it's the man's lot to be a bit of a spare part for nine months.

But part of the reason was the kind of information that they are obliged to give the mother-to-be. For example the midwife has to give the mother-to-be information on dealing with domestic abuse. So this is done as if I - who has sat there a picture of the attentive partner until this point - am invisible. But it does remind you what bad situations some mothers must be in, as does the offer of an HIV test and the listing of all the reasons you might want one, i.e. if you are an injecting drug user, having unprotected sex with someone who is HIV positive, etc. As we sat there telling her how well we eat, that we don't smoke and how Hayley has given up all alcohol and caffeine I couldn't help feeling we were almost embarrassingly (or sickeningly) well behaved.

We also went into the tests that can be carried out over the next few weeks. The straight forward blood tests are far from conclusive (which was news to me) so you can not be even close to 100% sure that (for example) your child will not have Downes Syndrome unless you have the most intrusive (and therefore most risky) tests. And of course it raises the whole issue of whether you would want or be equipped to bring up a child that is in some way seriously disabled. Obviously we've discussed this but talking about it to the midwife brings home the starkness of the reality and the very short timescales that would-be parents have to digest the news and decide how they want to act.

On the positive side she said that based on our answers this morning - mostly about family medical histories and Hayley's lifestyle - she is treating Hayley's pregnancy as low risk at this stage.

While Hayley went out to get a urine sample I mentioned to the midwife (actually there were two of them there today) that it was the first child for me too. "I'm glad to hear it" she replied in a tone that I found surprising given that I am clearly old enough to have grown-up children and also that we live in a country where a third of all marriages end in divorce. Then she brought up what a rough time Hayley had in 2002 (as that had come up in the interview) and I told her that yes that was true, but that then she met me at the end of the year so it can't have been all bad (cheesy grin). I suppose I was just trying to be friendly but in truth I guess also wanted to be accepted by this person and recognized by her as the person who cares most about Hayley. After all this woman is going to play a big part in ensuring nothing goes wrong for Hayley or the baby.

Finally I asked her what I might usefully do to help Hayley that perhaps I am not thinking about. "Listen to her" was her reply. I suppose that's a fair point. Very "Men are from Mars...". She then added that Hayley will be moody: "like PMT but times ten"! Crikey! So next time she bites my head off I must remember to tell myself "that's just the hormones talking".

After we left Hayley seemed quite excited, as if it had made it all even more real for her. I had a similar feeling after she had first seen the doctor. It's seems to hit us in stages.

All in all it was a very positive experience. I feel positive about the whole thing and I'm looking forward to telling people... just as soon as we've worked out exactly when and how to do this!